


Burden

by Kr1411



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Gen, Trigger warnings inside
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-07 00:16:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12829203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kr1411/pseuds/Kr1411
Summary: He didn’t want to get help. He knew if he did, they’d say he’s attention seeking, that he’d get over it quickly.





	Burden

**Author's Note:**

> TW - non graphic self harm and descriptions of it
> 
> To those who are all, “This is serious, why are you writing about this?” Read the end note. I have my reasons.
> 
> This will probably be deleted in a few days, if not in the next 24 hours.

Ever since his mom was murdered, and lost the majority of his friends, Barry constantly thought about how people hated him.

It wasn’t about the bullies, he could care less about what they think. It was more about the few people who actually stuck with him through all the trauma.

Barry would try talking to someone, and if they didn’t hear him, he would freak out. He would feel his heart race, and he would sometimes hold his breath so he wouldn’t draw attention to himself. If he texted someone and they didn’t reply within ten minutes, he would start to feel awful about himself.

_They don’t want you._

_They just pity you_.

_All you are is a burden to them, after all. Why should they talk to you anyway?_

If someone would text him without proper punctuation, he would take it the wrong way and think they were mad at him. Sometime’s it was fine, and he’d just brush it off. But sometimes, with the people close to him like Iris, it’d be worse. He would read the text three times over, sometimes with the threat of tears surfacing.

He didn’t want to get help. He knew if he went to someone, they’d tell him that he’d get over it, that it was just a hormonal thing and he’d get over it quickly.

He tried talking to his friends, the few there were, but they didn’t ever listen. They’d just assume it was a joke and laugh it off. He wanted to tell Iris, but the only reason she wasn’t popular was because of him, and all the popular girls liked her anyway. If he told her, people would find out and make fun of him.

Barry soon resorted to the internet. Joe had given both him and Iris new computers for the start of their freshman year, and he’d be lying if he said either of them actually used the computers for school.

He would join forums, roleplay anime’s he liked, and again, he’d be lying if there wasn’t fanfiction involved.

He’d make a bunch of friends online, learn to trust them, and eventually got close to them. He would go to them whenever he felt like he’s had enough, like he couldn’t take it anymore. It was the first time he could feel genuinely happy since his mom died.

But, as time went by, people would talk to him less and less, and he could feel himself falling more and more. He went into the habit of rubbing his arms when he was nervous or on the verge of a breakdown, and he would constantly play with the sleeves of his shirt, even though he hasn’t self harmed.

Really, the only reason he hasn’t was because he was too weak to put a knife into his arm. He’s considered stealing one of Iris’ bobby pins and using her flat iron to burn himself, since the pain would probably not last as long and there wouldn’t be blood to hide, but it would look real suspicious if he suddenly started using Iris’ things.

He started having… _thoughts_ , per say, not too far into the year. Those who said high school was the best four years of your life was lying. Bullies were worse, cliques were worse, and he had maybe two friends left. Not that he had many before that, but it made his… _anxiety_ peak.

_They’re glad they ditched you. I’m not sure how Iris and Thad still tolerate you. Probably because they feel bad. If you just ended it, they’d probably be much happier._

 

He had a voice in his head that didn’t help at all. Barry didn’t like to talk, so his inner voices talked for him. They would constantly tell him how worthless, talentless, and annoying he was. He would think about finding a therapist again, but with his history, they would say he was just looking for attention.

That was one of his main fears. If he opened up for someone, they would think he wanted attention. That’s all people did, right? If you looked at the internet, all people did was tear people with depression and anxiety down for “attention seeking”. True, some people actually _were_ trying to get attention, but the ones that weren’t still got hate.

There were times when he’d talk about… _whatever_ he had online, and there were people that would actually understand, but he was too afraid to talk to them once it got bad.

There was one time he did it. One time he pulled the whole bobby pin stint. He was home alone, and he was feeling so shitty he couldn’t take it anymore. It was only one time, though. Plus, he later discovered it barely scarred unless it blistered, so he could still wear t-shirts.

Joe found out, and things only got worse. He would drag Barry to therapists all over the city, and all they would do was give Barry medication that he didn’t think he needed. When Joe would give him a pill, he would pretend to take it and trash it later. The medication probably wouldn’t work anyway. He felt like no matter what he did, it would never be better.

Soon, Barry learned how to perfect a fake smile, and he managed to dig his way through high school with it. Joe assumed he got better, and stopped making him take the medication everyday. Iris didn’t find out about his “anxiety” in the first place, which made Barry feel slightly better, and worse at the same time.

And even though things would appear better, secretly, Barry knew they wouldn’t be. But hey, as long as Joe would keep forcing him to talk to people, it wouldn’t matter anyway, right?

**Author's Note:**

> Basically I felt like shit and my anxiety said hello, and I put everything I felt into this fic. I won’t lie, most of the stuff in this fic with how Barry feels are things going on in my life, but there’s no anime involved (no offense, I can’t really stand anime *glances at the 7th grade emo days*). If you read my fic Brothers, I mentioned how my anxiety was peaking, and how I needed to take a break. That’s true, but I needed to get this out. I didn’t exactly want to post, because I feel like, like Barry, people will think I want attention. I don’t. I’m an introvert, attention’s low on the list of things I want. I just wanted to get my feelings out, and writing is one of the only things that help me out. There was more to this that I deleted, there’s dark, and then there’s... /too dark, and I felt guilty about it.
> 
> Sorry about the rant, I just had to get this out there.


End file.
